It's that time of year! 2019 has been an eventful one for me. I think I'll try to get another year-end wrap up reflect post before the holidays to talk about this year on a more personal front (I already have a book blog tour post that needs to go up next week). But in the meantime, enjoy my 2019 favorites. (Every time I make these posts, I remember that I should keep better track of what I watch and listen to, the same way I track what I read, because my memory is horrible.)

Without further ado, my favorites of 2019, in no particular order!

Favorite Books of 2019

1. ON EARTH WE'RE BRIEFLY GORGEOUS by Ocean Vuong
   
   If you follow me on my bookish accounts, this shouldn't come as a surprise to you. The rest of this list is in no particular order, BUT this book is definitely my top read of the year. Which is not to say it's an easy read. I definitely want to write a full blog post about the book (I have a mini review on Instagram). Anyhow, I've recommended this to everyone while also knowing it isn't a book for everyone. I've never read Vuong's poetry--although now I want to--but you can tell the novel is written by a poet. Each word seems carefully selected, each image and metaphor clearly thought out. It's not a perfect book. It's definitely not an easy book. I sped through it, even while needing to put it down often because of the heaviness of it, but I know that most of my friends have had a hard time picking it up because it's so hard-hitting. It feels strange to see so many white people talk about it and relatively few of the Asian (Americans) I know discuss the book. Which is not to say that I'm the intended audience either, as a relatively privileged East Asian American. But there's something about that white gaze that tickles me a certain way. Either way, this book is surely one of my all time favorites, and I'm eagerly awaiting the paperback's release so I can purchase a copy for a little bit cheaper.
   


COLOR ME IN by Natasha Diaz

I reviewed this one for a blog tour! I loved it! You should read it!




THE FOUNTAINS OF SILENCE by Ruta Sepetys

I have sooo many thoughts on this one, and you can bet I'm planning to write a review on this blog and on bookstagram. It's a good one and does a good job of relatively lightly diving into a really dark history and into an exploration of societal collective memory after dictatorship. But as someone who has studied (and will hopefully continue to study!) memory and legacies of dictatorship, the book is still a little too clean and removed, but I guess it's because of the gaze of the main character...Anyway, more will be said, but this was one of my most anticipated reads and it mostly delivered. I'm glad it exists.

                

I WANNA BE WHERE YOU ARE by Kristina Forest

I also have a very, very short review(ish) post on bookstagram about this one! I should have definitely said more, but life, y'all. The perfect summer read for me, and Kristina is the sweetest. Ballet! Road trips! Black main characters and black love/romance! Need I say more?

THE MAP FROM HERE TO THERE by Emery Lord

Emery is one of my favorite authors, as a person and as a writer. To be honest, The Start of Me and You was probably my least favorite of her books. That doesn't mean much because I love all of them, so "least favorite" is weird to say. [Later Jess here to say that I double checked on Goodreads, and When We Collided actually had my lowest (4 star) rating of Emery's books, but I went back and changed TSoMaY to 4 stars because in hindsight it seems more accurate.] Aaaaanyway! I loved this one, and I definitely read it at the right time--as Paige was worrying about massive life changes that were coming up after high school graduation, I was dealing with transitioning out of college. The book still isn't as high energy fun as Open Road Summer (which remains my favorite Emery book), but it's so real.

HIS HIDEOUS HEART edited by Dahlia Adler

This one took me by surprise! It's been a while since I've read an anthology, and this one isn't my usual reading genre at all. But Dahlia truly delivered. I'm not one of those who read Edgar Allen Poe in high school or connected with his work. I read Tell Tale Heart and The Raven in 7th grade for Halloween. We probably spent a day on it and that's it. I went into this anthology, which retells some of Poe's work for modern, diverse audiences, not knowing or remembering any of the original works. I was surprised (I probably should've known about it lol) that the book includes the actual Poe originals at the second portion of the book, but full disclosure, I loved the retellings so much that I didn't even want to read the originals...oops. Some of them were scarier than others (don't read Caleb Roehrig's at night by yourself!), but each story was a joy to read.

                  

RED, WHITE & ROYAL BLUE by Casey McQuiston

I know this will be on many a favorites compilations. It deserves to be on mine too. Do I really need to say much about this one? And hey, I wrote a mini bookstagram review for this one too! (Katherine's comment honestly made me chuckle, but I'm very glad I have some #brand.)
A BODY OF WORK: Dancing to the Edge and Back by David Hallberg

Dance memoir from one of the biggest names in ballet right now. Also planned to write a full blog post about this one. We'll see if that happens, but in the meantime, I also have a mini bookstagram review of A Body of Work (wow I was on a roll with reviews on Instagram--please give my bookstagram a peruse if you're the bookish type and haven't checked it out yet hehe).

OPEN ROAD SUMMER by Emery Lord (re-read)

I didn't intend to include two re-reads on this list, but I didn't want to have 8 books when I could have 10, so #9 and 10 are re-reads because they remain among my all time favorites and always deserve another shout out. As mentioned, Open Road Summer is my favorite Emery book, and I re-read it almost every year. I still love it. It's one of my most highly recommended, even though most of my friends, if not all of them, are no longer reading YA. This book just always delivers and never fails me. I turn to it when I'm in a slump, which is probably why I picked it up earlier this year.

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT by Dahlia Adler (re-read)


I was nervous going into this re-read because I was scared I wouldn't love it as much as I did the first time, but I'm so glad it still delivered. I first read LWaT in high school, and I wanted to see what I would think of it after having gone through college. I still love the book!! I haven't re-read the others in the series because I only have those on my Kindle and I do have a physical copy of LWaT. Anyway, y'all need to stop sleeping on the series. 

Favorite Movies

senior year: best compilation of music that I listened to and particularly loved this school year
post-grad confusion: not super extensive because I haven't updated it; music I've enjoyed since graduating



college graduation/college memories: music that reminds me of certain experiences, places, and memories from college; I made something similar for high school, but I feel like there's a lot that happened in college that I don't necessarily associate with music but with other things instead
playlist to get me through this polsci thesis: don't judge me! this is music that I could write/concentrate to without being classical/instrumental--it probably also changed a few times as I got used to certain music and had to swap it out

I don't know where to start with this post. I keep putting off writing because I know it won't be perfect, and I always want to put my best foot forward. But I'm going to commit to writing this, making minimal edits, and publishing it in its imperfect glory. It's been a while to say the least. Or at least, it's been a while since I've blogged regularly. To be honest with you, it's been a while since I've written anything that wasn't for school, for a club, and/or for an internship. This is terrifying because I've wanted to revive parts of my online presence for so long. I think I've made some headway on my bookish Twitter, and I'd say I'm pretty active there now. I originally separated this from that by making separate accounts--also because I want this blog to eventually take a different direction--but my bookish Twitter still brings me comfort, some level of privacy (I've asked almost all people I know "in real life" to not follow me there), and some sense of community. But every time I've attempted to revive my blogging, I've failed. I mean, if you only look at this blog, I failed to ever blog consistently.

I've come so far since I started this blog, though. This was supposed to be a place for me to document my thoughts and my experiences. I do regret never being consistent with journaling exactly because I've grown so much and have experienced so much in the past four years. In many ways I'm glad that I did all of that away from a blogging community. It's hard to now try to return, but I spent time with my peers, going out and actually experiencing things and learning and failing and picking myself back up. I'm glad that I only put out small parts of myself during the toughest times because I controlled what I shared, and I also knew I had a real, strong support system. Not having such a system was originally why I became so involved on the internet, from middle school through the end of high school.

Every time I've tried to come back to blogging, to bookstagram, to my online presence, though, I've been flooded with fear. Fear that I didn't have when I first started talking to people on forums, when I first joined Tumblr, when I first started book blogging. But I'm scared now because I built a small presence. I never had a big blog or book Twitter by any means. Even now, people hardly know who I am. But I wasn't invisible either. I have my bookish and blogging community, and I love them so much and am so grateful to still know most of them, wherever we all are in life now. But I had gone through that organic trial-and-error. I had had the space to stumble around, to figure out my own style, to build an audience. And then I left and it almost all went away. And now the online community is so different. Between trends and influencers and algorithms and all that, it's harder than ever to break (back) in. And yet I'm not starting from scratch. The content I post are maybe not perfect and will still change, but they're somewhat polished and refined and thought out and planned. I didn't want to spend all the time and effort and not see any results.

But people have started to realize how contrived and convoluted it all is. What began as something organic has become anything but. And now authenticity is valued, but there's also so much fake authenticity. The kind that is still palatable. On top of that, sometimes we've been so sucked in, so ingrained with all these algorithms and trends that we genuinely think we are being authentic and only later realize we aren't. I think that's what's been hardest for me nowadays, on top of feeling discouraged when I put out content I am proud of, only for a tiny handful of people to see it (and I am SO grateful to those few--I hope I don't come off as ungrateful). Then again, what even is authentic? Can't we have different parts of ourselves for different people? How do we determine which is more or less "real" or "authentic"? Can we be authentic and play by the rules of the algorithm (or attempt to because does anyone really understand it)? And even more so, there are people who knew high school me, and while I'm still the same in many ways, I am also very different. How much of that change do I change? How much do I still conform to my "old" self?

Add to all of this that I haven't written for pleasure, for myself in 3.5 - 4 years. It makes the question of audience and authenticity even more complicated because I don't know, maybe I've lost my voice along the way. Or at least hidden it away. Of course, there are the ways that I speak and write to my friends and family, but even that is sometimes filtered. We all think about audience, even if subconsciously or in a context where "audience" isn't the right word. We inherently know that framing matters. And almost everything I've written has been for someone else's gaze. I think the last time I wrote lyrics was the February of my freshman year of college.

Writing used to predominantly be for me. It was an outlet, one that is different from dance but no less important to me. I needed it because I never spoke the things on my mind, but I needed it to get out of my body, out of my head, and I had nowhere else to turn to but dance and writing/music. Where words failed I had dance, but otherwise, I put it down on a page, predominantly through lyric writing. I think there is so much power in words and in writing. It can also be therapeutic. But for the past few years, I've put writing (for myself) on the back burner. I've put creative writing on the back burner. And now I feel out of practice, and the perfectionist in me fears the blank page. I even fear the therapeutic aspects because I think there's a lot I'm afraid I'll unveil, that I'll have to unpack and work through. I used to trust the words I could put on a page, that I could craft into a song. And now I've lost that connection. I fear not having the words. I fear being too vulnerable in my writing. I fear writing for no one but myself. I almost fear not having that outside gaze. And it terrifies me to try to get all of that back. Because I know it'll be messy. Because I know it won't fix everything but will certainly make me cry. Because I don't know if I trust myself to be real with myself on the page anymore. Because I don't know if it's still in me, even while I know that it is.

Writing, whether for oneself or for others, is like a muscle. And mine has been out of commission for so long. But I miss it too. I long for it. So I'm trying to write now despite my fear of the blank page. I hope I'll be able to start writing creatively again, whether for myself or for others. I hope I find my way back to the magic of writing and songwriting. I hope that it's authentic to me in whatever I may think it means in that moment. I hope I find that part of myself that's gone away for a bit. I hope that it inspires me again, that I find that spark that first brought me online, that first brought me to blogging, again (although I'll need to write for my eyes only as well). I hope that once I start writing for myself again, some of the fear will start to dissipate.

I hope that this next phase will allow me to re-introduce myself. I hope I'll inspire myself and others again. And I also hope you'll see that this has maybe been me all along.

Let's see where these words will take me next.

I'm not a big "resolutions" person, but after my fall semester and 2017 in general, I actually had some goals I had in mind for the spring semester and for 2018 in general. As I was writing this post, I actually realized that most of my goals are roughly the same (I re-evaluate after each semester because I think in terms of school years, not calendar years, usually). There are a few that are part of my yearly goals but not my semester goals, but there aren't many (basically, more networking and continue to practice/work on my language skills (Spanish and Portuguese if you're wondering)).

1. Spend less time on my phone

2. Read at least 1-2 books a month

3. Create creative content sustainably and mix it up

4. Limit coffee consumption (max. 4x/week)

5. Spend more time with friends and go do fun things 

6. Return to journaling, cooking, exercising

7. Keep up with blogging!

In an interview for a fellowship this past semester, I was asked what leadership means to me. My answer was pretty terrible as far as interviews go (and I didn't get the fellowship), but I've been thinking about that question a lot lately.

This past school year, I founded my college's first book club. Let me tell you, it was hard as hell. There's so much admin stuff involved in just establishing a new club, let alone run it once it's approved. And I ended up doing a lot of tasks on my own, especially after our first event happened. My E-Board was comprised of amazing people but none of us took the initiative, and I don't think any of us were passionate or committed enough. It always came down to me to plan and organize and then to just delegate tasks. I had so much on my plate and wasn't really able to dedicate myself to ensuring the club's growth, so it wasn't any one person's fault. It was just a lot for us, and thus, the club floundered for most of the year.

At the end of the year, I was thinking about how to move forward. Honestly, I wanted to call it quits and just not reactivate/recharter the club for next year. But of course I brought this up to my E-Board, and they quickly disagreed. They saw the potential growth that was still there for the club and reminded me of it too. In my frustration, I had become blind to the potential. But then came the hard part...

Patrick Tomasso

For some E-Board members, stepping down was easy. Others were more than happy to stay on board. Some club members were willing and eager to take up club responsibilities. But I had to evaluate my own place and role. As the founder and first president of the club, of course I want to see the club flourish and succeed, and I knew that I would always have some form of ownership over the book club. At the same time, I knew that I wasn't committed enough to see the club through, although I didn't want to admit it. I had felt weighed down by the responsibility of running anything this past year, but I thought that perhaps with a better E-Board, all of it could be turned around. However, I also knew that my fall semester would be my hardest one yet and that I shouldn't keep this responsibility. Plus, as I mentioned in my sophomore year reflection post, I'll be choreographing for my dance team next year.

It was hard for me to let go and step down, but the book club deserves more than I can give it at the moment. I offered to take a lower position, but we just had a meeting recently, and I realized that all the positions were filled. I looked at next year's E-Board and only felt a huge sense of relief, though. The new E-Board is comprised of amazing, committed people. They are passionate and willing to put in the time and effort we didn't this year. Realizing there wasn't a spot for me felt like a punch to the gut initially, but I also realized that it was the best decision for the Book Club.

This club isn't just me. It hasn't been since after I chartered the club, got it approved, and got it running. Sometimes, being a good leader is about being able to see your own weaknesses. It means recognizing the talents and leadership of others. It means knowing when to step up and also when to step away. It's trusting others and leaving them with the tools they need to succeed and thrive. Being a good leader means trusting people to take your place and knowing when it's time to let that happen.

I will still have a place in the Book Club. I'm still the founder. I still want to see it grow. I know that it can't happen under my leadership, but I can still support it any way that I am able. And letting that be my role now is both right for the club and for me. I've let go, and I hope that means that I've been a decent leader. I can't wait to see what the club that I started becomes.

What does leadership mean to you?

Please share, comment, follow me on social media, etc! <3

I've been sitting here, blank page in front of me, for a while now, bu I'm still not sure where to begin. Sophomore year was...a lot. Fall semester seems so far away now--as if it were years ago. It's been a hard year, and I'm glad it's summer now.

Overview

I don't want to make this post a series of events from my sophomore year, but here's a rough run down. In the fall, I had 5 classes and 2 internships. I liked my internships and thought I could handle both since one was flexible and the other was remote. Nope. Never again. I felt so worn out and exhausted the entire semester, and I felt like it was just draining everything from me. I hate everything and could not wait for the semester to be over.


My spring semester was a bit better. I studied abroad in Buenos Aires during winter semester. The course was fabulous though a lot of work, and while BsAs doesn't live up to Barcelona, I'm glad I went to South America. Anyhow, in the spring, I took my first 300-level political science class but also didn't feel particularly attached to/interested in most of my classes. I took a philosophy class which is probably my least favorite class ever (even more so than pre-calc and algebra 2/trig honors). At least part of my life felt like it was coming together, though. My polisci professor co-wrote a chapter in the anthology my internship mentor published and the co-author was speaking on a panel I was helping out at for the internship. I ended up meeting with her, and it also helped me establish a really great relationship with my professor.

The Bad

But sophomore year was also extremely hard for me. Last year, I wrote about not feeling home sick. This year, I did. The sophomore slump is so real, let me tell you. Freshman year, I was hit with a deep understanding of being vs. being lonely; last year, I could be alone and not feel lonely. But sophomore year, I felt extremely isolated from my friends, and although I did try to make time for myself--especially in the spring--it was almost always alone in my room. My friends were really busy and stressed out, and I rarely saw any of my friends not in my major. I hardly ever saw my best friend, who's a Sociology major and on the pre-med track. All of this really took an emotional toll on me.


This entire year, my emotional/mental state felt like it was constantly fluctuating up and down. On top of all this, I've just felt like i"m super behind compared to many of my friends and classmates. I'll have a more detailed post on this topic later, but I've been at the same internship for almost a whole year. I was fine with it for the spring semester because I was able to do something different than I had during the fall semester, but applying for so many internships for the summer and not getting any of them was hard. It was especially hard because most of my friends are doing really cool and incredible things and getting amazing opportunities. I know that a lot of it is just my mentality and the environment of my honors program, but it's hard to not let it get you down.

The Good

So, needless to say, sophomore year hit me hard. It kicked me down, and I've tried hard to not let it get to me. Even though it was difficult, a lot of it was good. I practiced some more self-care and I listened to my body a bit more. I reduced my meat consumption by a lot, I met amazing people when studying abroad, and I made some great connections. I went to DC with my public policy program and was super energized by it. I helped execute a protest at my school. I went to more bookish events, met my friends Alexandra and Aneeqah, met two other online friends who helped me get through much of middle and high school, saw my friend Willa much more often, saw some dance performance, etc. And! I was asked to be co-captain and choreographer for my dance team! I'm partially terrified because I've never choreographed before and this is a huge responsibility and undertaking, but for someone who has been dancing for over 15 years now, this is huge for me, and I'm also really excited.

Xan, Me, Willa, Susan Dennard, Victoria Schwab

My dance team!

My friends have been nothing but supportive, and I re-connected with an old friend, who has been really incredible as an additional support system and as someone who knew me before college. It's nice to talk to someone who knew me then and is sort of in the same place in life as me. We both support one another, and it's really beautiful, I think.

I learned so much about myself this past year. I can't believe I'm halfway done with college. Sophomore year of high school felt like it took forever to get there, but the past two years have flown by. This coming fall will be tough, but I just hope to continue to grow and get better.

Please share, comment, follow me on social media, etc! <3

Sunrise on HeHuan Shan, Taiwan.

Welcome Back!

Change

Come Along for the Journey

Me, contemplating the meaning of life and the fragility of our dependence on the planet, on HeHuan Shan in Taiwan.

Help spread the word:

Dear High School Seniors,

A year ago, I was standing in your shoes, waiting for the last of my college news to come. It was so hard waiting, and like you, I just wanted to know where I would be in the fall. There's so much on your mind and so much to think about, both good and bad, happy and sad. You're almost at the end of your high school career!

But this is also one of the most stressful times you'll probably have ever been through, and it's so hard. Trust me, I know. But now I'm on the other side. I'm a college freshman, and I just wanted to tell you a little bit about my journey in the hope that it might help you.

For me, choosing a college meant considering (and reconsidering) every last detail. I didn't really enjoy middle and high school and just wanted to be somewhere where I would find people like me, be near or in a city, and where I would be intellectually stimulated and challenged. But there's always also the financials to consider. I didn't want to be in debt--and still don't--but almost every school I applied to was a private school. Given my family situation, I wasn't expecting much. So as the acceptances rolled in, all of that started to sink in. I got into some amazing schools I would have loved to attend, places that I had visited and could picture myself. There were schools with amazing International Relations/Development programs and beautiful campuses. There were schools that seemed to feel right. I got some scholarships and got into some really amazing honors programs. But it was all still so expensive. I was also accepted to the school/program I'm at now. It's a little complicated because it's an honors college within a much larger university system, but getting in also meant free tuition, personalized advising, an opportunities fund, two years of free dorming, a free laptop, and the ability to be in New York City. How much better could it get?

Well, it wasn't really what I wanted. I could go on, but I'm sure it's not that interesting and not the point of my note. Basically, after lots of tears and arguments and all that, I decided that I couldn't give up graduating debt free and being in NYC for undergrad.

I won't lie and say that I didn't think a lot about the "what ifs" my first semester. I still think about it from time to time, but I also couldn't imagine transferring. Could I have better professors and maybe be more challenged in my classes? Perhaps. But it's college. I'm still being challenged and still have lots to do, but at least I don't have to think about the cost on top of that. I have had so many intellectual discussions and debates with my fellow honors students (and some with others too), and I'm sure it'd be the same in any other institution because we were all accepted to amazing places and just couldn't afford it. I don't know how my opportunities would change if I were at a different university and of course there's A LOT I would change about my school. But I've had some great opportunities too, and I've interacted with such diverse people. I'm in class with so many different people, much more diverse than I'd probably see in most of the other schools I got into, not just in ethnicity but socioeconomic class, experiences, and more. I've gotten to see Broadway shows and dance performances. I've been able to explore the city and find cute and/or hip cafes. I've been able to go to some of the best museums in the world. I've been able to sit and read or study or eat lunch in Central Park. I've been able to go to a bunch of bookish events. I've had my artwork shown in a museum. And so much more.

But above all, I have the most amazing friends and support group. For me, it was the community and the people that were most important to me when looking at a school (after taking out cost). Like I said, I wasn't happy in middle/high school, and all I wanted was the support group and friends I now have. I would not give that up for anything.

So what's the point of all of this? I know it's hard right now. I know those rejections and waitlists can be heartbreaking (I was waitlisted by my top two schools and received a handful of rejections). I know it seems like college is so close yet still so far. I know that anxiety you're feeling. I know how torn and lost you might feel. But I can also tell you that you'll end up somewhere amazing. Every place has its pros and cons, and it's up to you to make the most of it and to decide if it's right for you. Figure out what you want most from college. Remember that worst comes to worst, you can always transfer. Yet regardless of where you are, you will meet incredible people, and you can get almost anywhere if you're determined. You will make great memories and bond with the most unexpected of people. What you're learning probably won't be very different no matter where you go, though professors probably will be. Everyone still holds a little doubt and maybe some of those "what ifs," but you'll find your place.

Everyone's in it together, freaking out about the future and the next exam and the next day and the next meal. Everyone's on the same boat, no matter which school they're at. Experiences can vary, but find what makes you happy. You can do it. I believe in you. You will get to the other side. A year from now, you'll hopefully be somewhere that makes you happy and challenges you, surrounded by people you love and who love you. There's still so much more that can happen, and you've still got so much ahead, but it's also exciting and wonderful. Take a deep breath and live in the moment. Wherever you are next year, don't forget that you're amazing and that it will all be okay in the end.

I wish you the best of luck with college decisions and hope you'll find your place too. And if you ever want to talk to someone, let me know. Don't be afraid to be a little afraid, but also don't be afraid to take that leap.

Much love,

My book blogging friend and inspiration, Grace at Words Like Silver, recently had a post in which she talked about "The Future" and about working towards an uncertain future. Once again, her post made me think about my own future and about pursuing interests.

Like everyone else in college, I'm constantly asked about what I want to do with my life and with my majors/minors. For a long time, I knew I wanted to be a teacher; I didn't know what type of teacher, but that's what I thought I wanted to do. Then, I was thrown into an actual situation in which I was teaching students for almost two months, and I realized that it wasn't what I wanted to do. I think I would still like to teach one day, but I no longer want to have a career in teaching.

I had a year or two where I felt lost; I understood how so many of my peers felt. I had no idea what I wanted to do, other than that I didn't want to go into a math/science field. Then, I took AP Human Geography and a summer course on International Development at Brown University. And suddenly I knew that that's what I was interested in and what I wanted to study.

I'm currently planning on double majoring in Political Science and Public Policy, with concentrations in International Relations and International Development, and minoring in International Relations. At times, I feel very pessimistic about what I want to do, and I question whether or not I'll really work at an organization similar to the UN. Obviously I still have a ways to go, so it's okay to not know.

But after reading Grace's post, I wonder if I'm doing enough. I'm lucky enough to have an idea of what I want to do. Like Grace, I'm not positive on what I want to do with what I love. I have a vague idea, but so much can still change. But whereas Grace is going full swing in the direction of her dreams, I wonder if I am.

Most of the time, I feel like I'm that person that ends up focusing too much on school work and not enough on the other stuff. I feel like I let my studies dictate my life. That's not bad per say; you do need good grades, especially since I'm likely going to grad school. I've always been a very studious person, but I was also very involved in extracurriculars in middle/high school. Now, I just feel like I'm swamped all the time. I hardly volunteer anymore, I'm only dancing once a week, and I've just been really bad at doing anything but procrastinating and studying. Even most of my friends say that it seems like I'm always doing my homework, and it feels that way too (although they don't realize that sometimes I'm reading and/or blogging too).

I feel busy, but at the same time, I feel as though I'm not actually doing anything, if that makes sense. I think I should be doing more, especially relating to the field I want to go into. The two organizations I'm volunteering in are both amazing and do great things, but as much as they say they need our help to run, I don't know how much I'm actually contributing. I don't think I'm getting the experience I should be. I should be doing more, being more active, actually trying to help a community/the community. And I don't think I am right now. Part of it is that I don't know how. I don't know how to find these amazing organizations and get involved. I don't know how I could possibly make a difference. I don't know how I'd be able to juggle everything, only that I'd have to and I'd want to. I'm currently in the process of applying to an internship and a fellowship that I hope will help, but it's not even close to guaranteed that I'll get either one. I think I'm going to start volunteering more next semester as well (in the two organizations I'm currently with).

Am I doing enough? I feel as though I should be doing more. I should be working harder in the field I wish to go into. I should pursue my interests. But how? To some extent, I sometimes think that I pursue my love for dance more than my career interests. Heck, I'm even blogging and reading more than I am doing something in my career goal. Maybe that's okay; after all, those other interests are great ways to destress and do what I love. But I also find development and social issues and all of that super interesting as well. I love discussing those because I'm passionate about it. But I don't do it enough. Sometimes it's because I'm scared of how people will react. I'm often really bad at backing up my points. I'm really indecisive in almost everything because I think about almost all possibilities, and I think that sometimes this grey area keeps me from having a solid opinion, and that's hard to deal with (more on this in another post).

So people like Grace inspire me. People who go in the direction of their dreams, who chase after it with all they can. I wish I could be more like that, but I'm not sure how right now. And I know that's okay for now; I'm only a college freshman, and of course, there's still so much that can change, but this uncertainty, this feeling of not doing nearly enough, has been pinging around in my brain a lot lately.

The first month or so of college, I honestly never really wanted to go home. I had my friends, and I loved being around them all the time. We hung out and had fun and nobody was there to nag me. Sure, it was nice to get food from home or to sleep in my own bed or be surrounded by my books again or to have my parents get me new stuff. But I loved being on my own in college. I was having a blast. I made friends pretty quickly, and we became fairly close pretty quickly too. Going home meant hearing my parents and my sister fight about her college applications. It meant definitely not getting any homework done (though I wasn't getting much done with my friends at that point either). It wasn't that I didn't want to see my family; I did. But I didn't feel homesick the way many people do. Even now, I don't really feel homesick. I would see my parents almost every other week in some way or another, and my mom calls me almost every day.

(Note: I intend to have some pictures up later, but for now, I don't have a way to edit them the way I wish to and so this is just a large chunk of text. Also, at the time I drafted this, it was one month in, but now it's two months!)

It's funny how quickly things can change. It's been about a month since I moved in, and everything already feels different. It's not even about being away from home and from my family. It's not even necessarily the work load, although there's plenty of that and I'm still adjusting. More than anything, the past few weeks have been huge growing experiences for me, and I have a completely different outlook on life.

When I started college, I had both high and low expectations--high because I was expecting it to be great and wonderful and so much better than high school but low because it wouldn't have taken much to have been better than high/middle school. My greatest fear and worry was making new friends. I didn't have many friends in high school, and I didn't really have a core circle of friends I could rely on. I often felt lonely and was often alone. I started book blogging and continued to have a presence online because online was where I made friends. I connected with bookish people, people who could understand me. But as close as you can get to someone online (one of my best friends was someone I met online), it's not the same as having a friend in real life, someone you can go to when you need a hug, someone who knows the people you know.

It turns out, I wasn't alone in this worry and I didn't need to worry so much. My outlook going into college was so different from my outlook going into high school and throughout high school. Instead of hiding away in my room and allowing myself to be alone, I made myself go out of my comfort zone and talk to people. I made myself go to different events and to go hang out in areas I knew other people hung out in. Sure, the first week was really tough. I felt exhausted by all the social interaction, and I was struggling to find my place. It seemed as though everyone else around me either already knew people or had already made new friends.

But I need not have worried. Pretty soon, I found myself making new friends and finding my group. For once, I have many friends who understand me and whom I don't have to pretend to be someone else with. I had one best friend in high school, and she was one of the only people who supported me through anything and who loved the real me. Suddenly, I have many of those friends. I was often the one to take the first step, to reach out and invite someone to hang out with me and someone else, to text someone and see if they wanted to grab lunch or dinner together, to ask if someone wanted to go to take the subway with me. Because I was starting new, I didn't try to be someone else. College can be a clean slate. I told myself I wouldn't be someone I wasn't just to make friends because I had been there, done that, and I had been miserable.

I stopped blogging and wasn't really focused on reading and writing anymore. I do plan to get back into it because I love all of those things, but for the first month, I was really focused on my social life and with hanging out with other people. In high school, blogging and books were an escape. They afforded me a community and a group of friends and supporters when I didn't really have many "in real life." But now, I don't feel as though I need to rely on them as much anymore. Now, it's less about reliance and need and more about passion and want. Sure, I was passionate about books before, but I guess I had a different type of connection then.

The difference? I am genuinely so much happier now. Happiness and self-doubt is something I've been struggling with for much of my life, but for once, happiness isn't something that I find myself obsessing over and making an active effort towards every day. I generally feel pretty happy. Sure, there are still ups and downs, but it's not even close to what it was like before. After the first week, I didn't really feel the need to "choose happy" every day because I already felt content and happy. I think this has been the biggest change. I'm still very self-critical and am still struggling with self-doubt, but the happiness part of it is so different. I'm in a much better place now, and beyond that, I'm much more open about talking about my struggles. I never would have thought about how different things would be.

I'm still figuring out a way to balance everything I want to do, and even though I'm still very good at stressing myself out, it's been an overall positive experience. The work load is crazy, but I think it only feels so bad because my time management isn't the greatest, and I kind of put things off until the last minute for the first month. I'm going to try to approach my school work differently this month and see how it goes. I also want to make sure I take more time for myself. Going to college in NYC is one of the greatest experiences, but sometimes, we all need time away from the rush. But I couldn't be happier with where I am right now. Before getting here, I was so nervous about making new friends, and I wasn't sure if I made the right decision regarding which college to attend. Now, I can't imagine being anywhere else.

At the end of this semester, I'll be writing a post about tips for your first semester of college, so if you're interested in that, be on the lookout. I also have some posts exploring other things I've learned/experienced during my first few weeks of college coming up. Hope you'll stick around!

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