It's that time of year! 2019 has been an eventful one for me. I think I'll try to get another year-end wrap up reflect post before the holidays to talk about this year on a more personal front (I already have a book blog tour post that needs to go up next week). But in the meantime, enjoy my 2019 favorites. (Every time I make these posts, I remember that I should keep better track of what I watch and listen to, the same way I track what I read, because my memory is horrible.)

Without further ado, my favorites of 2019, in no particular order!

Favorite Books of 2019

1. ON EARTH WE'RE BRIEFLY GORGEOUS by Ocean Vuong
   
   If you follow me on my bookish accounts, this shouldn't come as a surprise to you. The rest of this list is in no particular order, BUT this book is definitely my top read of the year. Which is not to say it's an easy read. I definitely want to write a full blog post about the book (I have a mini review on Instagram). Anyhow, I've recommended this to everyone while also knowing it isn't a book for everyone. I've never read Vuong's poetry--although now I want to--but you can tell the novel is written by a poet. Each word seems carefully selected, each image and metaphor clearly thought out. It's not a perfect book. It's definitely not an easy book. I sped through it, even while needing to put it down often because of the heaviness of it, but I know that most of my friends have had a hard time picking it up because it's so hard-hitting. It feels strange to see so many white people talk about it and relatively few of the Asian (Americans) I know discuss the book. Which is not to say that I'm the intended audience either, as a relatively privileged East Asian American. But there's something about that white gaze that tickles me a certain way. Either way, this book is surely one of my all time favorites, and I'm eagerly awaiting the paperback's release so I can purchase a copy for a little bit cheaper.
   


COLOR ME IN by Natasha Diaz

I reviewed this one for a blog tour! I loved it! You should read it!




THE FOUNTAINS OF SILENCE by Ruta Sepetys

I have sooo many thoughts on this one, and you can bet I'm planning to write a review on this blog and on bookstagram. It's a good one and does a good job of relatively lightly diving into a really dark history and into an exploration of societal collective memory after dictatorship. But as someone who has studied (and will hopefully continue to study!) memory and legacies of dictatorship, the book is still a little too clean and removed, but I guess it's because of the gaze of the main character...Anyway, more will be said, but this was one of my most anticipated reads and it mostly delivered. I'm glad it exists.

                

I WANNA BE WHERE YOU ARE by Kristina Forest

I also have a very, very short review(ish) post on bookstagram about this one! I should have definitely said more, but life, y'all. The perfect summer read for me, and Kristina is the sweetest. Ballet! Road trips! Black main characters and black love/romance! Need I say more?

THE MAP FROM HERE TO THERE by Emery Lord

Emery is one of my favorite authors, as a person and as a writer. To be honest, The Start of Me and You was probably my least favorite of her books. That doesn't mean much because I love all of them, so "least favorite" is weird to say. [Later Jess here to say that I double checked on Goodreads, and When We Collided actually had my lowest (4 star) rating of Emery's books, but I went back and changed TSoMaY to 4 stars because in hindsight it seems more accurate.] Aaaaanyway! I loved this one, and I definitely read it at the right time--as Paige was worrying about massive life changes that were coming up after high school graduation, I was dealing with transitioning out of college. The book still isn't as high energy fun as Open Road Summer (which remains my favorite Emery book), but it's so real.

HIS HIDEOUS HEART edited by Dahlia Adler

This one took me by surprise! It's been a while since I've read an anthology, and this one isn't my usual reading genre at all. But Dahlia truly delivered. I'm not one of those who read Edgar Allen Poe in high school or connected with his work. I read Tell Tale Heart and The Raven in 7th grade for Halloween. We probably spent a day on it and that's it. I went into this anthology, which retells some of Poe's work for modern, diverse audiences, not knowing or remembering any of the original works. I was surprised (I probably should've known about it lol) that the book includes the actual Poe originals at the second portion of the book, but full disclosure, I loved the retellings so much that I didn't even want to read the originals...oops. Some of them were scarier than others (don't read Caleb Roehrig's at night by yourself!), but each story was a joy to read.

                  

RED, WHITE & ROYAL BLUE by Casey McQuiston

I know this will be on many a favorites compilations. It deserves to be on mine too. Do I really need to say much about this one? And hey, I wrote a mini bookstagram review for this one too! (Katherine's comment honestly made me chuckle, but I'm very glad I have some #brand.)
A BODY OF WORK: Dancing to the Edge and Back by David Hallberg

Dance memoir from one of the biggest names in ballet right now. Also planned to write a full blog post about this one. We'll see if that happens, but in the meantime, I also have a mini bookstagram review of A Body of Work (wow I was on a roll with reviews on Instagram--please give my bookstagram a peruse if you're the bookish type and haven't checked it out yet hehe).

OPEN ROAD SUMMER by Emery Lord (re-read)

I didn't intend to include two re-reads on this list, but I didn't want to have 8 books when I could have 10, so #9 and 10 are re-reads because they remain among my all time favorites and always deserve another shout out. As mentioned, Open Road Summer is my favorite Emery book, and I re-read it almost every year. I still love it. It's one of my most highly recommended, even though most of my friends, if not all of them, are no longer reading YA. This book just always delivers and never fails me. I turn to it when I'm in a slump, which is probably why I picked it up earlier this year.

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT by Dahlia Adler (re-read)


I was nervous going into this re-read because I was scared I wouldn't love it as much as I did the first time, but I'm so glad it still delivered. I first read LWaT in high school, and I wanted to see what I would think of it after having gone through college. I still love the book!! I haven't re-read the others in the series because I only have those on my Kindle and I do have a physical copy of LWaT. Anyway, y'all need to stop sleeping on the series. 

Favorite Movies

senior year: best compilation of music that I listened to and particularly loved this school year
post-grad confusion: not super extensive because I haven't updated it; music I've enjoyed since graduating



college graduation/college memories: music that reminds me of certain experiences, places, and memories from college; I made something similar for high school, but I feel like there's a lot that happened in college that I don't necessarily associate with music but with other things instead
playlist to get me through this polsci thesis: don't judge me! this is music that I could write/concentrate to without being classical/instrumental--it probably also changed a few times as I got used to certain music and had to swap it out

I've been thinking about and reflecting on my various creative processes and pursuits lately, and I started to notice a bit of a pattern. I find my strengths to be in exploring sadness and pain (emotional). This doesn't necessarily extend to what I consume in creative fields and there are, of course, exceptions, but I find that I draw upon darker emotions most, in my lyrics, my dancing, etc.

I have never liked my "happy" songs. I have never felt particularly drawn or emotionally connected to happy or fun dances (perhaps why I'm so terrible at jazz and hip hop). I write characters struggling with "darkness." I prefer ballads, and I listen to what others consider to be "depressing" music, even--or perhaps especially--when I'm sad.

And only now am I really digging into why this may be. At first I thought it was because for a long time, I felt very withdrawn and inside of myself when I struggled socially in school before college. Also, writing was my form of therapy, of getting out my frustrations and sadness and anger. Then, I started realizing that perhaps for a long time, I saw the dark and heavy stuff as being more nuanced and/or complex. But now I see that happiness and joy are equally complex and varied emotions. Additionally, it's not just "happiness" that I struggle with in my art. I struggle with how to portray nostalgia or the way memory has a way of making hard times seem less terrible in retrospect, even as you know how hard it was. There are certain sadnesses I still struggle to write about, too.

I think there's more to it and that it goes deeper, both inside myself and also in regards to how we expect to consume things and how we view certain emotions. Part of my connection to pain and sadness in the arts comes from the ways in which I felt they portrayed so much of my experiences growing up, things I've spent very little time telling people about or sharing with others in my own art. It made me feel understood at times when I felt so very alone. I connected with those emotions in what I consumed creatively, so it shaped my own creative journey.

When I dance or choreograph, or when I listen to music, sadness and pain seem so much more tangible to feel and express--something grounded deep in my bones. When I reach as if something's pushing me or holding me back, it feels real. I can tap into deeply held sadness and pain that I felt growing up. The emotions written on my face are real, and I know how to make it nuanced, how to differentiate emotions and movements. On the other hand, all of my smiles feel exactly the same. I don't seem to connect to upbeat music the same way, and it makes me move and emote superficially. I struggle to differentiate dynamics in the movement or in the music, and it doesn't feel real to me or to the audience.

Real happiness, real laughs. I have the most amazing friends.

I don't want to glorify the dark emotions the way it can sometimes be romanticized in art. They are real and deeply felt, but I think my thoughts are symptomatic of something larger too. Of how we sometimes see happy, smiling people as superficial or fake. Of how we (and art) often portray happiness as a mask rather than something also deeply felt. Happiness is portrayed as being a certain thing, but we don't usually explore what that means or how that feels or how one experience of happiness and/or joy differs from another. We portray happiness as being carefree, as being free, as surpassing an obstacle or reaching a goal. But we rarely portray the small moments. We rarely look at how happiness can be mixed with other emotions. We don't tend to explore the nuance in happiness the way we do sadness. How does happiness and relief over a good test score differ from being with friends? And how does this differ from the larger, deeply felt happiness and contentment that is more encompassing? How does it differ from feeling proud and happy for a friend's success?  Your own success? Even more, we rarely look at how happiness and sadness can reside together and share space--how we can be both at once. We think of strength through the lens of adversity and perseverance, but what does it look like when we're happy? Sure, we have an understanding of feelings like nostalgia and bittersweet, but there's so much more. Feelings that perhaps we don't have words for.

We think of happiness as a cliche in our art. Sure, in things such as writing, you usually need some kind of struggle and conflict. But I've read amazing books exploring different facets of sadness and similar. Rarely do you ever have a fiction novel that explores different facets of happiness.

And all of the above discussion is solely around happiness and sadness as emotions and feelings. When we add other feelings, it becomes even more complex. There are so many to be explored and to express. Ones that I'm not sure how to express creatively or to even talk about. It's like I cannot find the right words or movements or sounds. Feelings are not dichotomous, but sometimes I worry that I make it seem like they are when I am creating. How do you express some of the complicated thoughts and threads in your mind? How do you ensure and build up nuance in your work?

Maybe this is what keeps me from moving forward in my craft. I feel like sometimes I'm running out of different ways to write about sadness in my lyrics. But I'll try to write something happy, and it just feels so fake, so cheesy, and I hate it. Maybe I just haven't found the right way yet. But why is it that I'm so drawn to this and not to something else? Why do I find happy things to be fake or cliche or stereotypical? Perhaps some of it is the romanticization of struggle and pain in art. I don't want to think I'm adding to that.

Because there's so much nuance in all feelings, and we should aim to explore those too, to capture the full range of human emotion and experiences. So I will strive to do better. To be more nuanced, to experience more nuance, to explore more nuance. To write the stuff I hate or struggle with so that I can improve. To analyze my joyous writing the way I do my other writing, trying to unpack my existing prejudices. To keep practicing and creating, whether through writing or dance or music. I will strive to be better, and I hope all artists will too.

Would you guess that this photo was taken after one of the hardest summers of my life? Or that I would fall into one of my worst periods of depression shortly afterwards?

Festival season is upon us. There's Coachella, Gov Ball, Bonnaroo, Warped Tour, Firefly, Lollapalooza, SXSW, Electric Daisy Carnival, and more in the US alone, let alone worldwide. I've never been to a music festival before, for various, reasons, but since some of my friends have been to one (or a few) or are planning to go, we were talking about artists we would want to see at a music festival.

To be honest, one of my biggest turn-offs about these festivals are the line-up. I'm not a rap fan, and I'm not a fan of most hip-hop music either. I don't know much about electronic music or EDM. Though many of the big festivals feature some artists I enjoy and/or love, I would never be able to justify paying so much just for one or two artists. I'm also not the biggest fan of what I see and label as "festival culture."

But when TickPick asked me to come up with a dream lineup, I couldn't say no. I want to showcase some of my favorite artists. Now, not all of my favorites made it onto this list. The list is a mix of artists I most want to see live, my favorite artists overall, and artists I chose over some I love more/would want to see more because they're not as big. I think it's important to champion the artists who aren't Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood or Adele because of course I'd want to see them. However, ask me again in a month who I'd include on this list and you'll get a very different answer.

So without further ado, I present to you, my "Faux-chella" lineup!

GEORGE EZRA

I knew right away that George Ezra would be my top headlining artist for my dream music festival. He is hands down my favorite artist. It used to be nearly impossible for me to pick one artist/band as my favorite, but he has stayed my number one since I first stumbled upon him. His voice, his lyrics, his stage presence, everything is just perfect and engaging and everything I wish I could be. I almost exclusively listened to his music on my flight to Barcelona, and his songs are among my very favorites. He's one of those artists that would stay on the top of this list probably even months after many of the others have changed.

OF MONSTERS AND MEN

MUMFORD AND SONS

CHVRCHES

THE HUSH SOUND

IMAGINE DRAGONS

VANCE JOY

LUCY ROSE

SARA BAREILLES

BOGGIE

YUNA

Happy April, all! I'm also a year older now, which is both exciting and not. :P This is my March playlist. You'll notice it's a lot shorter than my February one, but that's mostly because I keep track of it on Spotify and ended up mostly playing my iTunes library on shuffle for the month rather than using Spotify, so many of the songs on the list were from the first week or so of the month, and the last ones were a little more last minute. I haven't listened to most of these again, but I'll definitely be doing so, and I hope you'll like this collection.