My book blogging friend and inspiration, Grace at Words Like Silver, recently had a post in which she talked about "The Future" and about working towards an uncertain future. Once again, her post made me think about my own future and about pursuing interests.

Like everyone else in college, I'm constantly asked about what I want to do with my life and with my majors/minors. For a long time, I knew I wanted to be a teacher; I didn't know what type of teacher, but that's what I thought I wanted to do. Then, I was thrown into an actual situation in which I was teaching students for almost two months, and I realized that it wasn't what I wanted to do. I think I would still like to teach one day, but I no longer want to have a career in teaching.

I had a year or two where I felt lost; I understood how so many of my peers felt. I had no idea what I wanted to do, other than that I didn't want to go into a math/science field. Then, I took AP Human Geography and a summer course on International Development at Brown University. And suddenly I knew that that's what I was interested in and what I wanted to study.

I'm currently planning on double majoring in Political Science and Public Policy, with concentrations in International Relations and International Development, and minoring in International Relations. At times, I feel very pessimistic about what I want to do, and I question whether or not I'll really work at an organization similar to the UN. Obviously I still have a ways to go, so it's okay to not know.

But after reading Grace's post, I wonder if I'm doing enough. I'm lucky enough to have an idea of what I want to do. Like Grace, I'm not positive on what I want to do with what I love. I have a vague idea, but so much can still change. But whereas Grace is going full swing in the direction of her dreams, I wonder if I am.

Most of the time, I feel like I'm that person that ends up focusing too much on school work and not enough on the other stuff. I feel like I let my studies dictate my life. That's not bad per say; you do need good grades, especially since I'm likely going to grad school. I've always been a very studious person, but I was also very involved in extracurriculars in middle/high school. Now, I just feel like I'm swamped all the time. I hardly volunteer anymore, I'm only dancing once a week, and I've just been really bad at doing anything but procrastinating and studying. Even most of my friends say that it seems like I'm always doing my homework, and it feels that way too (although they don't realize that sometimes I'm reading and/or blogging too).

I feel busy, but at the same time, I feel as though I'm not actually doing anything, if that makes sense. I think I should be doing more, especially relating to the field I want to go into. The two organizations I'm volunteering in are both amazing and do great things, but as much as they say they need our help to run, I don't know how much I'm actually contributing. I don't think I'm getting the experience I should be. I should be doing more, being more active, actually trying to help a community/the community. And I don't think I am right now. Part of it is that I don't know how. I don't know how to find these amazing organizations and get involved. I don't know how I could possibly make a difference. I don't know how I'd be able to juggle everything, only that I'd have to and I'd want to. I'm currently in the process of applying to an internship and a fellowship that I hope will help, but it's not even close to guaranteed that I'll get either one. I think I'm going to start volunteering more next semester as well (in the two organizations I'm currently with).

Am I doing enough? I feel as though I should be doing more. I should be working harder in the field I wish to go into. I should pursue my interests. But how? To some extent, I sometimes think that I pursue my love for dance more than my career interests. Heck, I'm even blogging and reading more than I am doing something in my career goal. Maybe that's okay; after all, those other interests are great ways to destress and do what I love. But I also find development and social issues and all of that super interesting as well. I love discussing those because I'm passionate about it. But I don't do it enough. Sometimes it's because I'm scared of how people will react. I'm often really bad at backing up my points. I'm really indecisive in almost everything because I think about almost all possibilities, and I think that sometimes this grey area keeps me from having a solid opinion, and that's hard to deal with (more on this in another post).

So people like Grace inspire me. People who go in the direction of their dreams, who chase after it with all they can. I wish I could be more like that, but I'm not sure how right now. And I know that's okay for now; I'm only a college freshman, and of course, there's still so much that can change, but this uncertainty, this feeling of not doing nearly enough, has been pinging around in my brain a lot lately.

The first month or so of college, I honestly never really wanted to go home. I had my friends, and I loved being around them all the time. We hung out and had fun and nobody was there to nag me. Sure, it was nice to get food from home or to sleep in my own bed or be surrounded by my books again or to have my parents get me new stuff. But I loved being on my own in college. I was having a blast. I made friends pretty quickly, and we became fairly close pretty quickly too. Going home meant hearing my parents and my sister fight about her college applications. It meant definitely not getting any homework done (though I wasn't getting much done with my friends at that point either). It wasn't that I didn't want to see my family; I did. But I didn't feel homesick the way many people do. Even now, I don't really feel homesick. I would see my parents almost every other week in some way or another, and my mom calls me almost every day.