In an interview for a fellowship this past semester, I was asked what leadership means to me. My answer was pretty terrible as far as interviews go (and I didn't get the fellowship), but I've been thinking about that question a lot lately.

This past school year, I founded my college's first book club. Let me tell you, it was hard as hell. There's so much admin stuff involved in just establishing a new club, let alone run it once it's approved. And I ended up doing a lot of tasks on my own, especially after our first event happened. My E-Board was comprised of amazing people but none of us took the initiative, and I don't think any of us were passionate or committed enough. It always came down to me to plan and organize and then to just delegate tasks. I had so much on my plate and wasn't really able to dedicate myself to ensuring the club's growth, so it wasn't any one person's fault. It was just a lot for us, and thus, the club floundered for most of the year.

At the end of the year, I was thinking about how to move forward. Honestly, I wanted to call it quits and just not reactivate/recharter the club for next year. But of course I brought this up to my E-Board, and they quickly disagreed. They saw the potential growth that was still there for the club and reminded me of it too. In my frustration, I had become blind to the potential. But then came the hard part...

Patrick Tomasso

For some E-Board members, stepping down was easy. Others were more than happy to stay on board. Some club members were willing and eager to take up club responsibilities. But I had to evaluate my own place and role. As the founder and first president of the club, of course I want to see the club flourish and succeed, and I knew that I would always have some form of ownership over the book club. At the same time, I knew that I wasn't committed enough to see the club through, although I didn't want to admit it. I had felt weighed down by the responsibility of running anything this past year, but I thought that perhaps with a better E-Board, all of it could be turned around. However, I also knew that my fall semester would be my hardest one yet and that I shouldn't keep this responsibility. Plus, as I mentioned in my sophomore year reflection post, I'll be choreographing for my dance team next year.

It was hard for me to let go and step down, but the book club deserves more than I can give it at the moment. I offered to take a lower position, but we just had a meeting recently, and I realized that all the positions were filled. I looked at next year's E-Board and only felt a huge sense of relief, though. The new E-Board is comprised of amazing, committed people. They are passionate and willing to put in the time and effort we didn't this year. Realizing there wasn't a spot for me felt like a punch to the gut initially, but I also realized that it was the best decision for the Book Club.

This club isn't just me. It hasn't been since after I chartered the club, got it approved, and got it running. Sometimes, being a good leader is about being able to see your own weaknesses. It means recognizing the talents and leadership of others. It means knowing when to step up and also when to step away. It's trusting others and leaving them with the tools they need to succeed and thrive. Being a good leader means trusting people to take your place and knowing when it's time to let that happen.

I will still have a place in the Book Club. I'm still the founder. I still want to see it grow. I know that it can't happen under my leadership, but I can still support it any way that I am able. And letting that be my role now is both right for the club and for me. I've let go, and I hope that means that I've been a decent leader. I can't wait to see what the club that I started becomes.

What does leadership mean to you?

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I've been sitting here, blank page in front of me, for a while now, bu I'm still not sure where to begin. Sophomore year was...a lot. Fall semester seems so far away now--as if it were years ago. It's been a hard year, and I'm glad it's summer now.

Overview

I don't want to make this post a series of events from my sophomore year, but here's a rough run down. In the fall, I had 5 classes and 2 internships. I liked my internships and thought I could handle both since one was flexible and the other was remote. Nope. Never again. I felt so worn out and exhausted the entire semester, and I felt like it was just draining everything from me. I hate everything and could not wait for the semester to be over.


My spring semester was a bit better. I studied abroad in Buenos Aires during winter semester. The course was fabulous though a lot of work, and while BsAs doesn't live up to Barcelona, I'm glad I went to South America. Anyhow, in the spring, I took my first 300-level political science class but also didn't feel particularly attached to/interested in most of my classes. I took a philosophy class which is probably my least favorite class ever (even more so than pre-calc and algebra 2/trig honors). At least part of my life felt like it was coming together, though. My polisci professor co-wrote a chapter in the anthology my internship mentor published and the co-author was speaking on a panel I was helping out at for the internship. I ended up meeting with her, and it also helped me establish a really great relationship with my professor.

The Bad

But sophomore year was also extremely hard for me. Last year, I wrote about not feeling home sick. This year, I did. The sophomore slump is so real, let me tell you. Freshman year, I was hit with a deep understanding of being vs. being lonely; last year, I could be alone and not feel lonely. But sophomore year, I felt extremely isolated from my friends, and although I did try to make time for myself--especially in the spring--it was almost always alone in my room. My friends were really busy and stressed out, and I rarely saw any of my friends not in my major. I hardly ever saw my best friend, who's a Sociology major and on the pre-med track. All of this really took an emotional toll on me.


This entire year, my emotional/mental state felt like it was constantly fluctuating up and down. On top of all this, I've just felt like i"m super behind compared to many of my friends and classmates. I'll have a more detailed post on this topic later, but I've been at the same internship for almost a whole year. I was fine with it for the spring semester because I was able to do something different than I had during the fall semester, but applying for so many internships for the summer and not getting any of them was hard. It was especially hard because most of my friends are doing really cool and incredible things and getting amazing opportunities. I know that a lot of it is just my mentality and the environment of my honors program, but it's hard to not let it get you down.

The Good

So, needless to say, sophomore year hit me hard. It kicked me down, and I've tried hard to not let it get to me. Even though it was difficult, a lot of it was good. I practiced some more self-care and I listened to my body a bit more. I reduced my meat consumption by a lot, I met amazing people when studying abroad, and I made some great connections. I went to DC with my public policy program and was super energized by it. I helped execute a protest at my school. I went to more bookish events, met my friends Alexandra and Aneeqah, met two other online friends who helped me get through much of middle and high school, saw my friend Willa much more often, saw some dance performance, etc. And! I was asked to be co-captain and choreographer for my dance team! I'm partially terrified because I've never choreographed before and this is a huge responsibility and undertaking, but for someone who has been dancing for over 15 years now, this is huge for me, and I'm also really excited.

Xan, Me, Willa, Susan Dennard, Victoria Schwab

My dance team!

My friends have been nothing but supportive, and I re-connected with an old friend, who has been really incredible as an additional support system and as someone who knew me before college. It's nice to talk to someone who knew me then and is sort of in the same place in life as me. We both support one another, and it's really beautiful, I think.

I learned so much about myself this past year. I can't believe I'm halfway done with college. Sophomore year of high school felt like it took forever to get there, but the past two years have flown by. This coming fall will be tough, but I just hope to continue to grow and get better.

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Hello, lovelies! Long time no see...I think it's time we sat down to talk and catch up. I'd offer you some of the hot coffee I just made as I sat down to write this, but that doesn't work too well across a screen. But anyway...

How have you all been? I hope you've been well. It's been an interesting few months. I've been busy with school and dance and have been working hard and doing lots of self-care actions. I've been talking to people about world issues and politics and the like, and then I promptly require some time away from all the craziness. I can't even begin to comprehend what is happening in the world. Most of it just makes me angry and sad and fearful, but I'm trying my best, and I try to keep up with happy things too.

Of note, a club that I'm a part of at school recently organized a protest that I would deem successful for the moment. We're fighting against actions our college is taking against the Asian American Studies Program, which is vital now more than ever. It's a bit of a long story, but I'll direct you to our petition. Please spread the word! This is really crucial to me, to CRAASH, to our school, to NYC, to higher education, to all ethnic studies, to Asian Americans, and beyond. The whole experience has been so rewarding.


As part of my self-care, I've been watching some TV shows but mostly have tried to return to reading. As of when I'm writing this, I'm more than half-way done with The Shadow of the Wind, which is BRILLIANT. It's long but so enthralling. The writing is beautiful, and I look forward to reading it in its original Spanish one day. I can tell this will already be a favorite.

For some time, I was also getting back to creative writing. I participated in my 5th year of February Album Writing Month (FAWM) this year, but for the first time, I "lost," aka didn't write 14 songs in the month of February. But I wasn't too disappointed. I tried my best and still put out a few great song lyrics. I might post some here. I've just now started writing lyrics again. I still have some poetry I wrote post-election that I might still share, but most of what I write is really personal, so I'm deciding what to post...On a similar but different note, I am contemplating taking up novel-writing again. Or maybe just personal essays, if I feel I have something worthwhile to say and the means to say it. It's all a bit up in the air right now, but I'm feeling creative. (I'm also going to do a playlist post soon because February's playlist is one of my favs.)

Speaking of creating and writing...I have a grand new direction I want to take this blog in. It'll take a lot of time and effort, so it still won't be fully implemented for a while (and I think I'll write a separate blog post to talk about this more fully), but the gist of it is that I want to infuse my blog and social media with a bit more politics. It won't be all politics, all the time, and it will be as non-partisan as possible. I want to inform people about things that are happening in the world--things that matter to me but are sometimes overlooked or deemed too complicated to read about. I want to make politics accessible. I want to spread the word about issues you don't hear about on the news every day, but I want to present it in a way that's still appealing to millennials and "lifestyle" bloggers. This community can be far too removed from every day politics--dare I say, too white to need to care. But these are topics that I find important. And for people who are becoming interested in politics because of the current climate, I want to make it easier and more accessible, less of an upward hill. And I want to show-case wins and advocates and activists who are doing amazing work, locally, nationally, and internationally!

If there's an issue or topic you'd like to learn more about/care about--or people you'd like to showcase--please comment. Additionally, if you'd like to contribute and write an informative post, please email me at infinitegoldenfloors(at)gmail.com.

Lastly, I just want to talk about some lifestyle changes I've made...not because they're important for you to know about but because they're big steps for me. (1) I'm mostly sleeping earlier and waking up earlier. Okay, partially a result of having an 8AM class, but nevertheless. (2) I've mostly been eating vegetarian 3-4x a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I'll talk about my reason why in a different post. (3) I've been trying to exercise more. Then midterms hit and it's been a rough patch, but I'd like to get back to it. (4) I'm trying to create more. (5) I'm trying to assert my opinions more. I'm trying to be more political, or I should say, not let things get to me and stop me from talking about controversial issues. (6) Trying to get out more and not get stuck with just schoolwork. (7) Save more money. Buy fewer books. See fewer shows. Limit travel. (8) More nature!

Me in my latest travels (Pantheon, Rome, Italy)

Anyway, I pass the mic to you now. What have you been up to? What have you been enjoying lately? What have I missed?